She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
