About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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