I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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