Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
