she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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