if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So vagazzling was a success
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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