I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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