Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
