textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
