I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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