He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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