My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
