I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
