Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
