Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wish my penis had a tongue
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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