so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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