I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
