Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This house was built for laser tag.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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