just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
