he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
