I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
