fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've blown a few things in my day
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
