One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
