a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
