i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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