my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
