I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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