i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
