Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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