WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
