The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
