I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
