My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm just crazy horny about you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
