Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the high leading the old right now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
