i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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