Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
