drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
