walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
