i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
