Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
