i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
