sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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