if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
