He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
