I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
