i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
