shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
