in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
