Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
