I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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