I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
