i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
