Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
