My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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